My Re:Gen Testimony: Recovering from Depression and Lack of Identity in Christ

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PREFACE.

Although I have never used this blog before to merely share personal, yet open journal entries that have nothing to do with my work in photography and travel experiences, I find it to be the most adequate space I have to post this message today. I hope that by doing so, this part of my personal life story may help encourage, inspire, and provide hope to friends, family, and any other group of readers that find themselves or have ever found themselves, in need of an understanding and relatable experience from somebody close to home, or a reachable acquaintance. I wish to point out that while the subjects of depression, addictions and other struggles are mentioned and are part of this personal account, I do not intend to diminish or avoid the impact of these issues in their physical, clinical or psychological reality. This particular testimony was written and shared under the light and scope of my participation in Re:Generation Recovery, a Bible-based, church-lead, 12-Step discipleship program I had the privilege of experiencing and completing during a period of 52 weeks from late January through December of 2021. For more information on Re:Gen, please visit https://www.regenerationrecovery.org/. 

In addition, some paragraphs have been modified from the original testimony I shared with fellow Re:Gen group members, family, and friends during our final commencement meeting, in order to provide more context detail to those unfamiliar with Re:Gen or any recovery program, and with my life personally. These additional comments do not alter my testimony and experiences as a whole.

My heart's desire is that whoever might be reading may be pointed to hope and change found in Christ, offered compassionate perception of real, personal issues, and feel a loving hand being stretched out to you in the middle of whichever struggles you may be currently facing. I am you, and I am here.

TESTIMONY. December 1, 2021.

Hello, my name is Joan, I have a new life in Christ, and I’m recovering from depression and a lack of trust and identity in God.

Before I started Re:Gen, I wanted to be in control of my life and the penalty for my wrongdoings, my immorality, and every misdeed. I was determined to be my own "atonement" for daily failures. Despite declaring my faith in Jesus since I was a little girl (I grew up going to both a Christian church and school), I had always struggled with feeling inadequate to call myself a "true Christian". I had absolutely no assurance of my salvation, because I was convinced that my shortcomings were bigger than any grace coming from a God that I was also convinced only loved “good people”, and I surely wasn’t one of them. I believed I would always have secrets and unconfessed struggles, because if anybody truly knew the depth of my blotted heart, I would be worth nothing— and I felt enough deal of unworthiness already. This sense of unworthiness might have been attributed to the slowly piling up of negative experiences during my upbringing, the sinful nature of personal decisions, all the way to the "unfulfillment" of certain assumptions as a young adult. 

I was constantly overwhelmed by expectations, ranging from other people’s opinions, to self-imposed standards, and even with what I thought God wanted from me, that somehow, I kept resisting to give. Never did it cross my mind that Christ Himself was enough to clean up my mud mess whenever I missed the mark, and boy did I miss the mark on a regular (I still do). I always kept coming up short, yet I truly believed I would be able to ‘better myself’ on my own.. eventually. My fight for control has been my greatest battle towards surrender. As discouraging situations and the painful consequences of sin in my life kept proving that I was not in control at the minimum, I slowly gave in to profound hopelessness and carelessness through the span of several years in my mid 20s. I looked for temporary gladness in alcohol and parties; escaped guilt and shame by numbing myself regularly with sleeping pills (here's to say I became increasingly addicted to them); and pursued ungodly relationships and unhealthy dating, out of what I did not realize was a need for validation and a place to find self worth in. Ultimately, I allowed myself several attempts to end my own life during seasons of chronic depression peaks. 

I was a mess and I knew it, but after years of constantly sabotaging my faith and my life as whole, I simply felt like I could not accept any more do-overs from myself or from God. I had given up on the possibility to ever be able to get out of the rut. I was tired of asking God to forgive me for my shortcomings. Honestly, I was tired of having to ask at all. It had all become too much for me to fix, and I refused to trust that God could or that He even wanted to. How could He after all I had done, and worse, all I had repeatedly done?

As I physically and mentally made it out of the effects from an overdose attempt in January 2021, still coming to terms with my frustration against God who would not let me die already, my worried mom (worried might be an understatement at this point) suggested I take a couple weeks trip for the sake of my health and wellbeing. “Go wherever would make you feel better right now”, she said. It seemed like a temporary getaway fix to her, but for some reason I knew exactly where I needed to go, except not as a means to escape and reboot. I had heard about Watermark Church and Re:Generation through a close cousin, who had recently completed the curriculum herself just before moving back to Honduras from Dallas. Thereby exhausted and feeling like a complete embarrassment after my failed overdose, I prayed about where I felt my heart was being lead, and I tiredly told God I was finally ready to follow and obey.. whatever that meant. Only two days later, I was on a plane on my way to Dallas, with the simple idea in mind that I just needed a few days surrounded by Christian family members in Texas and to attend church at Watermark. I thought that while I was at it, I’d intend to visit doctors, even try to get Re:Gen workbooks, and attempt to do the program with my cousin’s help as my mentor when I went back to Honduras. "We'll pray about it.”

As soon as I showed up on my first Monday night at Watermark to purchase all five Re:Gen curriculum books and join a Groundwork meeting (if only for the sake of attending Re:Gen night in person at least once), I strongly realized that all God had needed from me was that tiny moment of trust in Him when I prayed faithfully in my distress a few days earlier after my overdose. I saw God almost immediately use the willingness of my heart in precise moment and place to take me into a deeper journey of surrender, despite my pride and a head still full of gapping doubt. As I listened to that night’s testimony being shared in front of hundreds in an audience, and later other women in Groundwork share their brokenness openly and acknowledge their personal need for Christ, I knew I was in the right place. There, in the middle of a group of people I had never met before, I felt seen, understood, and for the first time, at peace. Then and there, I spoke out the true longing of my heart— it wasn’t a bandaid for my wounds and my depression, I wanted to know and fall in love with Jesus. The literally countless meaningful events that took place during my three-and-a-half week stay in Texas at the beginning of 2021 would be vastly exhaustive to share in this summarized space. Every single day during those weeks felt like an undeniable assurance of right place, right time, right people. All I can shortly say is: God takes ONE step of obedience quite seriously. But I do find it relevant to mention that I am grateful to my core for the way God brought into my life and used incredible people from Watermark Church to make it possible for me to join the first official virtual Re:Gen group, and even lovingly mentor me through it despite me going back home to Honduras. 

(Note for context: Before the virtual group I was plugged in, Re:Gen was a program that was done exclusively in person, at Watermark Community Church in Dallas, with weekly Monday meetings and in-person mentorship. I became the first person outside the U.S. to go through the program, and among the very few outside of the Dallas area.)

As I worked through my first steps in recovery, I finally began to see that God’s faithfulness does not depend on my performance, and in simply entrusting my life to Him it was possible to find the joy and rest my heart had lacked for so many years. I found an indescribable sense of freedom through the steps of Inventory (Step 4) and Confession (Step 5), humbling grace through Repentance (Step 6)—not only during the curriculum step, but week after week at our group meetings; and graceful love by learning what godly Forgiveness really means (Step 8). Today, my joy and security are tangible, simply because I have full assurance of my salvation through the unmerited gift of grace and of God’s unsurpassable loving mercy. I understand this joy is not a matter of how happy I feel, or whether my behavior matches perfectly with any kind of expectation– but about my heart's posture and seeking contentment as I walk mindfully and wholeheartedly with Jesus. My ground doesn’t shake in utter chaos anymore even in the midst of hardship, because He is enough.

I have realized I’m not [in recovery] truly looking for a fix in God for my depression; I desperately want to keep learning how to love and be loved by Jesus, to become more like Him; continuing to seek Him for who He is and for who He says I am because of His own righteousness poured on me thanks to the cross. I now trust that God can and will use my brokenness for His glory, and I long to pursue whichever purpose He wants be fulfilled in my life on this side of eternity. I can walk faithfully and boldly, knowing that although there is nothing good in me, as Paul said in Romans 7:18; sin has already lost its grip in my life because there is therefore now no condemnation for me, who am in Christ (Romans 8:1). As a dear friend lovingly encouraged me to take heart, “I will never forget in the darkness what I have learned in the light.”

“For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, ‘In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength…” Isaiah 30:15

My name is Joan, I have a new life in Christ, and for His glory I am recovering from depression and a lack of trust and identity in Him alone. Thank You for letting me share.

FINAL NOTES.

After an emergency surgery in 2013 due to an unexplicable perforation in my small intestine (which I survived only God knows why and that's a story for another time), the effects of having a significant part of the intestine removed created physical repercussions that have affected my body over the years, developing several medical conditions I suffer from to this day. In 2018 I was diagnosed with a chronic sleeping disorder, for which I take medication daily. It it still a struggle. It was recently in August of 2020 I was given a medical answer also to the chronic depression I have experienced since my early teenage years, diagnosed with Dysthymia (Persistent depressive disorder), which at times of crisis becomes a "double depression". I have since been under antidepressant medical treatment, and as of 2022 I see a psychotherapist to also help me cope with anxiety, stress and depression crisis, parallel to any medication. All this to say, I am no stranger to sickness and the severity of mental illness. I don't mean this to sound petty. My point is this: I am thankful for the life changing experience of recovery in Christ since Re:Gen at the same time I am just as thankful for science. I believe it is a God-given possibility that we have medicine and doctors that aid us enormously in treating mental struggles and physical sicknesses that are just as real and as important as caring for our spiritual health. 

But I more fully acknowledge medicine can only do so much to help us survive, cure physical wounds and function in our frail, temporary bodies, whereas life in Christ offers us the full extent of healing, freedom, redemption, and unconditional love that goes beyond our short-sighted outlook of what it means to be alive. There is so much more in the life that awaits those who choose, like me, to believe and know that this fallen, painful world is not our home, and we'll someday be reunited with the One who will makes us perfect. Do I have it all together? No. Do I sit and lament over this body and brain that fail me? Sometimes, yes. Does this whole story somehow make me now an exemplar Christian? Not remotely close. But for the hope I profess, I press on and endure, on this side of eternity, with unusual peace and a distinctive joy. 

To God be all glory. 

DIARIO III: PORTUGAL, 2019

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El otro día alguien me dijo que yo vivía enamorada del pasado. Y bien, creo que es verdad hasta cierto sentido de la palabra. Me encanta volver. Porque pienso que la historia, aún cuando se trata personal y únicamente de la nuestra, es lo que realmente nos permite conocernos y entendernos a lo largo de la vida, a la vez que con ella aprendemos a valorar el presente y a verlo con otros ojos, sabiendo que pronto también este formará parte de nuestra historia. Si hoy vivimos el día como si fuese el último, es porque el ayer nos enseñó que así se vive mejor. El pasado siempre está, enterrado bajo capas de presentes, pero así también sigue siendo parte de nosotros. Somos todo eso que ya vivimos, somos las veces que nos hemos reído y los momentos que nos han hecho llorar. Somos fuertes por esa vez que nos caímos y nos aprendimos a levantar, valoramos nuestro ser de hoy porque alguna vez fuimos distintos, y eso vale la pena volver a contemplar– para reírnos de nosotros mismos, para recordar que fue en esa fiesta que decidimos que el whiskey no era lo nuestro, que después de ese viaje prometimos no volver, para admirarnos ante los logros, para extrañar con un nuevo sentir a quienes ya no están, para admitir que al final la vida no ha sido tan perversa con nosotros y la prueba está en que aquí seguimos. Con nuevos momentos por vivir.

Creo que hay que perderle vergüenza al pasado y pasar a saludarlo de vez en cuando, aunque solo sea para decir que no lo extrañamos. O que sí, y eso tampoco está mal. Sin malinterpretar lo dicho, creo que los mejores momentos siempre están por delante, pero me encanta recordar. Me complace su seguridad, ya me sé el desenlace. Al final me repone saber que he ganado, porque estoy aquí para contarlo y mis fotos a veces lo dicen mejor que yo. La comunicación verbal no es precisamente lo mío y quizás por eso me aligeran las letras y la cámara. Usualmente si voy a compartir una historia te enseño primero una foto, otras veces, me expongo en este blog, y así. Pero estoy segura que los recuerdos siempre los voy a contar mejor a punta de imágenes, y a mi eso siempre me va enamorar.

Hoy como muchos de ustedes me encuentro confinada en casa a causa de una pandemia que arrasa por todo el mundo, ansiosa, abrumada entre tanta información, entre tanto caos que sé que se está viviendo allá afuera. Mi teléfono está saturado del tema en redes sociales y hasta en los chats de Whatsapp. He llegado a sentirme triste. Por eso estoy escribiendo esto, y por eso vuelvo a mis fotos. Que sí, el pasado y los recuerdos valen por algo. A veces se convierten en refugio cuando el presente no es tan bonito. Nos devuelven sonrisas, nos transportan a mejores días, pero sobre todo, siempre nos recuerdan a valorar. 

Con estas imágenes me voy de vuelta a Portugal– escucho las gaviotas a la orilla del río Duero, siento el olor a pastel de nata inundando las calles, recuerdo la brisa debajo del Ponte 25 de abril paseando en yate y tantas risas entre chicas; una lágrima de emoción viendo el paisaje en una plaza mientras un señor tocaba en su guitarra la versión más auténtica de “A Primera Vista” de Pedro Aznar; el sabor de la primera copa de vino de Oporto en Sandeman y recuerdo el atardecer más colorido que he visto en mi vida. Mientras a la tierra le damos un merecido (o quizás demandado) respiro, yo me detengo a agradecerle por darme cosas tan lindas para contemplar con mi lente: sus colores, sus mares, su gente, sus infinitos paisajes y por permitirme vivir fragilmente bajo su aire una vida digna de recuerdos y un presente.

Para Chrysta, Jasmin & Mayra. Gracias por compartir conmigo uno de los viajes más bonitos que he hecho jamás y que hoy, donde sea que las encuentre esta situación global, permanezcan a salvo en salud y bienestar (deseando lo mismo para toda su familia en India, Alemania, Perú y Madrid). 

To Chrysta, Jasmin & Mayra. Thank you for sharing with me one of the most wonderful trips I've ever done, and today, wherever our global situation should find you, may you be kept safe in health and wellbeing (wishing the same for your family in India, Germany, Perú, and Madrid).